


My One and Only Thrill

by sugarcoatednonsense (orphan_account)



Category: Free!
Genre: Assault, Homophobia, I'm genuinely sorry, M/M, Suicide, Trans Nagisa, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:33:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/sugarcoatednonsense
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We’ll find a way to be together, Rei-chan. And I’ll be beautiful, and worthy of you. And we’ll be happy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My One and Only Thrill

**Author's Note:**

> Title and lyrics throughout are taken from Melody Gardot's ["My One and Only Thrill."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBWY6W1dSvE) She is a goddess.

The door is barred with several planks of wood clumsily nailed at angles across it, but Nagisa can easily squeeze through the gaps, throwing his backpack ahead of him to send up a cloud of dust in the hallway. Once in, he paces through the house, slowly. He’s in no hurry. He wants to remember every inch of this place, almost as if he can take it with him, bring it for both of them. He wishes he’d listened closer to Rei’s plans. He wanted to take down a wall to let in more light from the east or something, with a southern-facing master bedroom or west wing, maybe baroque carpets. Nagisa doesn’t quite remember what he said but he remembers how Rei looked. His eyes were so bright and he was talking a steady stream of construction terms and interior decorating, gesturing where he was going to put a window seat or a water feature or something. A smile curls the corner of his mouth as he remembers.

 

There’s a bed frame and a full-length mirror in the master suite. Nagisa props his backpack on it and pulls out a red dress, a pair of black pumps, a padded bra. Shedding his school uniform, he hooks on the bra which matches his grey lacy underwear, and slides on the red dress, smoothing it over his hips. Then the pumps to give him height and elegant calves. The material clings to his body, so silky, and Nagisa glances in the mirror hoping to see curves, full lips, long, tousled hair. But it’s just him, a guy in a dress. Disgusting. Freak. 

 

He pulls out a clutch from his backpack and holds his hair back from his face as he applies his make-up, a full nighttime look, smokey eyes and dark lips. He twists his hair into curls and pins it to create the illusion of an updo. He looks...almost pretty.

 

 

Rei stared at him, grinning, eyes full of adoration. “You’re so beautiful, Nagisa-kun. I wish you could go like this.”

 

Nagisa twirled in the red, strappy dress, feeling gorgeous, sexy, effervescent. Rei looks so handsome himself in his tailored black suit, the forty-fourth one he had tried on.

 

“But even if they saw you as female, they’d never let you through the door in something like that.”

 

“Awwww.” Nagisa pouted, admiring his silhouette in his bedroom mirror. “Whhhyyyy?”

 

“That wouldn’t be allowed at any wedding, let alone a Ryuugazaki function. You’d have to wear a floor-length shawl over it.”

 

Running his hands over the silky fabric, Nagisa giggled. “Even better. I’ll be Little Miss Modest until we get up to dance, then I’ll drop the straitjacket of a shawl and - BAM! Maybe I can make one of your great aunties faint.”

 

Rei laughed. “You would...want to dance?”

 

“Sure. I’d love to see you get out there and shake that sweet ass.”

 

Rei nudged his glasses up his nose, but he was still smiling. “Maybe...we could practice for a minute.”

 

He took out his phone and started scanning through his music. Nagisa gasped and leapt at Rei from behind, wrapping his arms around him. “Really, Rei-chan? Are we going to dance?”

 

“I think that can be arranged.” Rei turned and kissed Nagisa on the tip of his nose.

 

 

Nagisa turned back to his backpack, pulled out his phone, two bottles, and a package wrapped neatly in a plastic bag. He carried it all out of the bedroom, relishing the click of his heels on the wooden floor, the sway of his hips, the curve of his chest in the bra. As long as he didn’t look in the mirror again he wouldn’t have to hear the droning words in his father’s voice. Warped. Pervert. Revolting.

 

He wasn’t sure where would be best. Which had been Rei’s favourite room? He had talked a lot about the kitchen, how much it would cost to update all the appliances, what kind of cabinets they should get. “It’s not like we’ll be able to buy it right after we graduate Nagisa-kun, we’ll be saving up for a long time. It needs so much work.”

 

But it was their dream, their shared plan for their shared future. Rei would have his breakfast in their meticulously designed kitchen and maybe sometimes Nagisa would make him lunch, tossing his hair into a ponytail, wearing a blue chenille sweater, maybe some wedges. The perfect little woman. 

 

He ends up in the second bedroom, which Rei had said had the best light. In the afternoon sun, he had tilted Nagisa’s face up towards him, told him for the millionth time how beautiful he was, kissed him. Yes, here is best. 

 

Nagisa sets down the phone and the bottles, unties the plastic bag and gently pulls out Rei’s suit jacket. He puts it his nose and inhales. There, faintly, is the lingering scent of Rei. 

 

Sitting against the wall, he stretches his legs out in front of him, reaches for his phone and searches for the right music. 

 

 

“Here.” Rei finally settled on a song. Violin music leaked from his phone, making Nagisa raise an eyebrow. 

 

“It’s a little...creepy.”

 

“Oh. Is it? It’s one of my favourite artists, an American singer. I thought it was beautiful. I can find something else.” He turned his back on Nagisa again.

 

“No, no! If it’s Rei-chan’s favourite, I’m sure it’s good. Please, I really want to dance to it.” He batted his eyelashes at Rei. A gentle piano joined in with the soft, rich voice of a female singer. On second thought, it was kind of nice.

 

_Birds may cease to spread their wings_

 

Nagisa exhales deeply at the familiar tune as he sets it on repeat, turns the volume up to max and places it on the floor beside him. He picks up the bottle he’d taken from the medicine cabinet and unscrews the lid. The label reads “For Chronic Pain.”

 

_but it don’t matter, but it don’t matter_

 

Nagisa moved Rei’s hands to his waist, linked his fingers behind Rei’s neck, pulling them close so their foreheads touched. He started to sway with the music. It was so slow, lilting, it made Nagisa feel sultry and elegant. 

 

Rei’s eyes were closed, his mouth curled up in contentment. Nagisa leant forward for a kiss, and when he pulled away Rei’s hand was cupping his cheek. “My Nagisa-kun. She’s so perfect.”

 

Nagisa smiled. Rei hadn’t called him “he” since he’d told him, the secret raw nag that had been inside him as long as he could remember. 

 

Rei bent forward and kissed him again.

 

_’cause, when I’m with you_

 

He tips four into his hand, and reaches for the tall bottle of liquor to wash them down. He likes the way it burns on the way down.

 

_my whole world stands still_

 

“Nagisa! Nagisa, boy what are you -”

 

Rei and Nagisa pulled apart to see Nagisa’s father stood in the doorway, shock, disgust, revolt crossing his face. “What the hell is this?”

 

Nagisa’s knees began to quake and suddenly he felt the way his father saw him. A drag queen, a pervert, filth. “Dad, I can expl-”

“Get the hell away from my son!” Nagisa’s father barreled into the room and swung his forearm across Rei’s chest, sending him stumbling back into the dresser, gasping for breath. 

 

“Rei!” Nagisa moved towards him, but his dad caught him by the wrist.

 

_you’re my one and only thrill_

 

Nagisa tips out another three, takes another swig, and clutches Rei’s jacket to his chest, feeling its warmth and its distant Rei smell, looking out into the light he had loved.

 

_buds may never open wide_

 

“You think this is a fucking joke, boy? What the hell are you wearing?! You look sick, I can’t stand looking at you.”

 

Rei was red in the face, pushing his glasses up. “Sir, I believe I may be able to-”

 

“Did you tell him to dress like this, you sick fuck? Is that how you get your kicks?”

 

“DON’T TALK TO REI LIKE THAT!” Nagisa wrenched his arm free and swung at his father’s back. 

 

And his dad slapped him square across the face.

 

_but it don’t matter, but it don’t matter_

 

Another four pills, another shot. Nagisa’s head starts to pound, and he feels a little dizzy.

 

_’cause, when I’m with you_

'

Knocked to the floor, Nagisa heard the next part more than saw it. Rei yelled, charged at his dad, so much broader and stronger than gentle Rei-chan. By the time Nagisa got to his feet, Rei had blood on his face, struggling to get a punch in. One of his sisters was screaming in the doorway, crying. 

 

Rei grunted with each blow that landed on him. His glasses lay broken on the floor. 

 

Nagisa jumped on his father’s back, clawing and scratching at him, and was thrown off, slamming his head into the wall so his ears rang.

 

_my whole world stands still_

 

His stomach hurts. He swallows the rest of the pills, holds his piece of Rei close.

 

_you’re my one and only thrill_

 

He was aware of Rei on the ground, of his father yelling, hitting. He started to crawl to him, when his father got up, sweat glistening on his forehead, looked at Nagisa with utter revolt before he left. 

 

Rei was on his back, coughing and spluttering, blood everywhere. 

 

Nagisa screamed at his sister, still cowering and crying in the door. “Get help! Call an ambulance!”

 

He started to sob as he held Rei, watched him struggle to breathe, little spots of red on his lips. “It’s gonna be okay. They’re gonna take you to the hospital.”

 

Rei clung to the skirt of his dress, staring at him urgently. “Na-Nagi-”

 

“Ssh, don’t talk, okay?” Nagisa smoothed the hair around Rei’s face. “Help is coming.”

 

He shook with fear, rocked back and forth as he waited. He clutched Rei, begged him to stay with him, told him just how much he loved him.

 

_you’re my..._

 

Nagisa feels tired, and stomach keeps squeezing in on itself.

 

He hadn’t been allowed in the ambulance, where Rei had died on the way to the hospital, from the broken rib that had ruptured a major artery in his heart. 

 

He hadn’t been allowed at the funeral, but he wrote eulogies anyway. Dozens of them, all half-finished and crumpled up. 

 

He probably wouldn’t be allowed another chance at a lifetime with him, but he dreamt about it anyway, as it got harder to keep his eyes open and his head thumped harder. 

 

_We’ll find a way to be together, Rei-chan. And I’ll be beautiful, and worthy of you. And we’ll be happy. ___

__

__The rich voice faded from his phone, and Nagisa fell asleep against the wall, with Rei’s jacket as a blanket._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Whew, that was a little rough, huh guys? Stop by [sugarcoatednonsense.tumblr.com](http://sugarcoatednonsense.tumblr.com) if you want to yell at me.


End file.
